துறைவன் துறந்தமை தூற்றாகொல் முன்கை இறைஇறவா நின்ற வளை – 1157
This is a beautiful kural from Thirukkural on missing the partner who comes back. She is not just worried about her weight loss but also about the village people knowing her grief. The bangles are slipping away screaming the grief of her loved one’s departure.
Maybe, this is how the bangles have to slip away from the women’s hand after the departure of the men rather than breaking it. Of course, this post is about the ritual carried out right after husband’s death. Valluvar was writing about a man who would return. I’m borrowing the image for one who won’t. Some might think like, who is even following these things. But to the sadness, it is followed as a closed ritual , not done in front everyone for about 10 to 15 mins, I guess.
I believe in partnership, healthy relationship, grief and certain rituals and customs. Many to most has scientific reason behind. There is one blog post that comes to my mind. Its on useful beliefs. I don’t remember the author nor the website. Was it Derek Sivers? Not sure (I will update link later). The context was that if the beliefs shapes you to become a better person, then adopt that belief into your life.
I am not sure whether the above thing shapes any the women in a better way. The women are conditioned right from birth to wear things like bangles, bindi, anklets, garlands on the hair, bright colored dresses. This counts to the maximum of 20 to 22 years of conditioning before marriage (considering the legal age). If the husband pass away, suddenly all the identity that were her from birth becomes his and it has to be given away. So many logical explanations were given but isn’t all absurd? None of them holds true. Philosophically, there is no identity to any human beings, it keeps evolving but how does it change over a night?
There are lot of taboos around single women, divorced women and widow women. I am not sure whether it has to be looked through the lens of philosophy or humane. But one has to learn the difference between the beliefs that shapes our life and belittling ones.
I want to add the kural to reveal how grief works in reality rather than the forced one. Let the bangles fall on its own through grief or it may not. Let that be a choice of a person wearing it. Even if she can’t yet tell whether she is choosing or obeying the conditioning, the choice should be hers to make.
Cheers
Check out the previous post: Liberation over Grief!
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